In Hiding
by Sean Gaffney
Summary: A sequel to Release and Deep. Juri is in Paris, drowning in self-pity when she meets some old friends.


In Hiding  
  
by Sean Gaffney  
  
Shoujo Kakumei Utena (C) 2002 Be-Papas. This fanfic contains spoilers for the entire series. This fanfic takes place after Release and Deep, two of my prior Utena fanfics, and likely won't make much sense if you haven't read them first.  
  
  
Juri sat in the cafe, clutching a cup of hot tea in her hands. It was nearly ninety degrees outside, but she still felt cold. The tea went down her throat, hit the ice inside her, then just dissolved. Not that she expected much. It wasn't as if she were sick or anything. She was just dead inside. Complete and total death, the kind that can never be recovered from.  
  
Two weeks earlier, she had received her heart's desire. The one thing she'd hoped for above all else, the love that was so pure it burned her. Her miracle. Her best friend, Shiori Takatsuki, had admitted that she had fallen in love with Juri. And Juri had held her, and told her that was wonderful, and they had to talk about this as soon as they could.  
  
And then she'd left early that morning, leaving a cursory note on the dresser.  
  
Those who cannot remember history are condemned to repeat it, Juri had once read. Apparently it must not have registered, or else she would never have done this, would never have reenacted their parting so long ago.  
  
Shiori at least had the innocent cruelty of youth as an excuse. She was young, she was emotional, and she didn't know the truth. What she did was, in a way, perfectly understandable.  
  
Juri was eighteen years old, knew exactly how Shiori felt, and made her decision coolly and calmly. And what she did was utter madness. It was cruel -- calculatingly cruel. Treating her as someone unable to make her own decisions. Unable to realize what was best for her. She pictured Shiori reading the note, furious because once again Juri had selfishly done what she thought was best, even if it ruined both of them.  
  
She kept telling herself this. Telling herself how stupid, and selfish, and insane she was being. Telling herself to get up, stop reveling in her misery, go to the hotel she knew Shiori would be at by now in Lyons, and beg her for forgiveness.  
  
And here she sat, not moving, just sipping at her now tepid cup of tea. Not daring to be happy. It had been so long it might kill her. No, that wasn't even true. She had been happy recently. Dancing with Shiori, that night in the club. Watching her be so free, and smiling like an angel, and her body bouncing up and down in ways that made Juri regret she was so repressed.  
  
And Juri danced too, and she had started to smile without realizing it. She was suddenly thinking that this was exactly what she needed. Being with Shiori, doing things, being friends, being happy... it was her dream. Her miracle. All she had to do was sit back and enjoy it, let it wash over her.  
  
But the real world didn't work like that. The real world didn't slowly iris out on the happy couple, together after such a prolonged struggle, living happily ever after. The real world had Shiori in bed a week later, moaning erotically in her sleep, causing Juri to almost go out of her mind with arousal. The real world had a shameful Shiori spending the night writing in her journal, not daring to go back to sleep in case Juri attempted to molest her there and then.   
  
The real world moved too fast, made things feel all wrong. It had Shiori say that she loved Juri, the words Juri had heard in her dreams for the last five years. But now she was paranoid, and the words sounded false and fake. She imagined twisted scenarios, situation where her lusts reached out and overpowered Shiori, made her have these feelings.  
  
"Juri-san? Is that you?"  
  
Her spiraling monologue of self-pity was interrupted by a voice coming from over her left shoulder. She turned, and saw an open, smiling face framed by a short bob of bright pink hair.  
  
*That's wrong,* Juri mused. *Her hair should be longer...*  
  
Then the world started to get hazy, and she felt herself falling...  
  
***  
  
She woke up in someone else's bed, staring up at a low ceiling. For a moment, she simply sat there, processing the usual information one does when one has just woken up in a strange bed. Small but well- furnished room, door to the left, window to the right with the sun streaming through it. Dresser by the bed, with a vase of lilies by it.  
  
Juri blinked. That was wrong, surely. There shouldn't be lilies by a bed, there should be...  
  
Roses.  
  
Ah. Now it all makes sense. No wonder we all lost our memory. It's only natural when you experience utter trauma.  
  
Juri prided herself on her poise and calm. Even in the worst situations, she would face things with a clear head. And this would be no different. She'd simply sit back, think about the memories that had now returned to her, and...  
  
OH god. Oh GOD. OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD...  
  
She threw her back up against the headboard, trying to stop her entire body from trembling. But her hands still shook, couldn't stop shaking as she clutched at the cotton sheets. She bent over, hyperventilating. Shiori and black roses and Ruka and cars and ends of the world and Akio and rose brides and duels and I believe in miracles miracles miracles...  
  
"Juri-san! Juri-san, can you hear me? It's OK. You're all right!"  
  
Juri shuddered again, staring at the face of the young woman who had just come through the door. Utena Tenjou. Someone who remained utterly recognizable, even with her hair cut short as it was. Someone who Juri once thought she would never, ever forget. Except she had.  
  
Strangely, it was Utena's face that enabled Juri to once again get a grip on herself. She pulled away, a red flush coming to her cheeks. "I'm alright now. I'm fine," she murmured, in a voice far too soft for her liking. Utena smiled nervously and moved back, allowing Juri to regain control of her personal space.  
  
After another few seconds of heavy breathing, Juri stared back at Utena more closely. She wasn't quite the same stubborn and naive girl Juri had known at Ohtori. The face was leaner and more mature, fitting well with the short bob haircut. Her clothing was loose and baggy, hiding her figure much more than it had before. The eyes were still the same, though. The ones that managed to see so much, yet still be utterly blind.  
  
Utena wriggled a bit under Juri's stare, and stepped back further. "I took you back to our place... I really didn't know what to do after you fainted. Are you feeling all right, Juri-san? I don't think I'd ever imagined you fainting."  
  
Our place? Juri filed that aside for the moment, and shook her head. "Tenjou-san, may I ask you a question or two?"  
  
Utena blinked. "Um... sure, I guess..."  
  
Juri pondered the best way to put things. Utena remembered her quite clearly, that much was certain. Was she exempt from the mass memory loss that had plagued the rest of Ohtori? Admittedly, it had happened right after Utena 'left'. And there was also the question of how involved Utena might still be with Akio Ohtori and his machinations. She had to be careful.  
  
"Am I the first person from Ohtori you've met since you left?" That was safe enough. And if it was the case, it might explain Utena's surprise at seeing Juri faint. It wouldn't be much of a surprise; how many Ohtori graduates ended up in Paris?  
  
"Well, yeah... I was surprised to see you too. Didn't expect anyone from Ohtori to show up in Paris." Utena's tone was light, but she was watching Juri's face closely.  
  
It suddenly dawned on Juri that Utena was likely just as paranoid as Juri was. It made sense; she would feel the same way if their situations were reversed. Suspicion fit Utena poorly, though. Juri felt a need to deal with it quickly, to get Utena's natural optimism back.  
  
"I'm not a spy from Akio Ohtori, if that's what you're thinking." Juri tried to make her reply calm and deliberate.  
  
Utena's response was equally calm. "That's pretty much exactly what I was thinking, yeah. But I admit you weren't what I was expecting. If Akio meant to send a spy, I'm sure he'd send someone unconnected with my past. He's not stupid."  
  
"No, he's not," Juri said quietly. "How much do you know about Ohtori after you left it?"  
  
Utena shrugged. "Next to nothing. It's not the sort of thing I wanted to do."  
  
Juri nodded; she'd expected as much. "After you left, everyone involved with the duels forgot all about them - and you. We had vague memories of the academic side of things, but that was about it. Akio somehow expunged you from our minds absolutely."  
  
Utena gaped for a moment. "I... I..."  
  
Juri sighed. "I imagine seeing you again was enough to remove whatever mental block he'd put in my head. And that suddenly getting a year's worth of horrific memories made me collapse."  
  
Utena stood there for a moment, seemingly taking this in. She then took a step back. "I think Anthy's finished making the tea. I'll get you a cup. Black?"  
  
"Please," Juri nodded as Utena left. She wasn't sure how urgent the tea was, or if Utena simply wanted to get away from Juri and think for a bit. Not that she minded; Juri needed to formulate what she was going to do now. She had her memories back. A large part of the last two years' paranoia was gone. So: how did this change her life?  
  
Not much at all, she realized after a while. In fact, it made things worse. Now she had more guilt and loathing about past encounters to add to her litany. She had always remembered how she treated Shiori on her return, but now she remembered the sword being pulled from her, agonizing pain as Shiori walked away to fight a useless duel. She'd remembered the ride in Akio's car, but now she had the context behind it, the fear as she gave in to Ruka's demands in order to save Shiori from Akio's mad plans. Not that it had done any good.  
  
No. None of the memories really changed anything. She shouldn't be with Shiori, shouldn't be around her at all. It was bad for both of them. Shiori needed someone stronger than Juri, someone able to give her the love and attention she needed. Not some emotional cripple.  
  
Suddenly Juri froze, recalling Utena's words. Her eyes widened.  
  
"Anthy..." she murmured.  
  
It seemed that some things hadn't changed. When it came to the truly important things, Utena was still as blind as ever.  
  
***  
  
Juri had made it to the hallway. She was still dizzy, and didn't feel like she would be able to walk more than a few yards. But that was irrelevant; she had to get out. She remembered Akio now, and he still terrified her, but not half as much as his sister...  
  
"I've brought you your tea, Juri-san."  
  
Juri spun, her eyes wide. There she was in the kitchen doorway, her hair cascading down her back, a teacup in hand. Utena was nowhere in sight. Juri felt her knees give way, and slid down the wall, a hand out in front of her.  
  
She saw Anthy's smile vanish, and a resigned look replace it. Anthy then walked quickly into the bedroom, returning without the tea. She reached out a hand. "Please, let me help you up."  
  
Juri shook her head, staring at the floor. This was ridiculous. She was acting like some sort of rabid animal. Anthy wasn't a goddess, or a demon, merely another woman like herself. She'd be damned if she would accept her help, but she wasn't going to be afraid of her.  
  
And she was talking nonsense in any case. Of course Anthy wasn't just another woman. That was the POINT.  
  
She put her hands to the floor and shoved herself to her feet. The room still swayed alarmingly, and Juri realized that if she tried leaving, she'd just end up in a heap right outside the door. So she stumbled back into the bedroom, taking care to avoid the hand Anthy offered. After a moment it was withdrawn, and Anthy looked more uncertain. Good, there was a first.  
  
She ended up falling face first onto the bed and just lay there for a moment, letting her brain relax and try to sort itself out some more. She heard the door close behind her, but no footsteps. She still knew Anthy was there without even bothering to look.  
  
"Where's Utena?" Juri asked after a couple of minutes.  
  
She fell onto her side, and saw Anthy looking out the window at the Parisian skyline. "She's gone for a walk." There was a long pause. "We had a fight."  
  
Juri wasn't sure what to say to that. If anything. She didn't want to be having this conversation. She lay there for a while, trying to gain some equilibrium.  
  
Unfortunately, Anthy didn't seem all that eager to continue any conversation either. The room was falling into that heavy awkward silence mode Juri despised so much. She enjoyed peace and quiet, but there was a difference between silences, and this was a heavy, repressed silence that hung in the air.  
  
She had to break it. "I find it difficult to imagine you arguing with anyone. Particularly Utena Tenjou."  
  
Anthy turned from the window, her face blank. "We're not at Ohtori anymore. Things aren't a storybook romance."  
  
"You mean you can't manipulate her like you did there," Juri spat. She was appalled that Anthy was here trying to unburden herself to Juri.  
  
"In a sense, I suppose. But the reason for the fight is the blinders were pulled from both our eyes when we left Ohtori. And every time I do something that reminds her of the old Rose Bride, she gets upset. When I make tea for guests. When I clean the apartment. Whenever I do anything that might at all imply I am subservient to her."  
  
Juri raised an eyebrow at that, but didn't say anything. She wasn't here to psychoanalyze their relationship. It sounded like two people who didn't know each other well enough discovering that neither was the perfect rose they fell in love with.  
  
After a moment, Anthy gave another heavy sigh, and walked over to the side of the bed. "Did you want to know where Shiori-san is now? You have her timetable, she hasn't varied from it."  
  
Juri froze. "You've been spying on us."  
  
"Of course," Anthy said. "You graduated from Ohtori and immediately came on a trip that would take you right near Utena. And if you think you are suspicious of my motives, then imagine how suspicious I am of my brother's."  
  
For a moment, Juri just stood in stunned silence. Then she laughed out loud. "I give up. I really, truly don't want to know. I don't know what Utena saw in you then, and I still don't." She took a deep breath. "Can you see what Shiori is doing now?" She hated asking the question, but if Anthy was still this big of a threat she needed to know in order to protect Shiori.  
  
Anthy looked confused for a moment and then smiled. "I'm not at Ohtori anymore, Juri-san. I can't use power that way. I hired a private detective to follow the two of you, the way normal people do."  
  
"What is she doing?" Juri cursed herself. The words sounded so desperate. What's more, Anthy's smile widened. Evil little witch. She may talk about how she's nothing like what she once was but her heart was still black.  
  
"She arrived in Lyons yesterday morning. She checked into a hotel under her own name. She sits in her room, staring out the window and sighing. Which is quite a change from Bremen, where you left her. She destroyed half your hotel room the morning after. It cost her much of her savings, I'd imagine..."  
  
"ENOUGH!" Juri snarled. "I asked what she was doing, I didn't ask for editorial comments. You seem upset that I'm so scared of you, then you behave exactly the same as you always have!"  
  
Those words seem to have an effect. Anthy stared for a moment, her eyes widening. Then, shockingly, she turned and smashed her fist against the wall. Her hand began to bleed from the force of the blow. It was perhaps the most emotion Juri had ever seen her show.  
  
"I apologize," she eventually whispered.  
  
Juri nodded. "I don't accept."  
  
After a moment, Anthy continued to speak. "You know your own itinerary. Shiori hasn't returned to Japan. Nor has she attempted anything such as taking her own life."  
  
Juri sat up straight. "How do you know?"  
  
"What you're thinking, you mean?" Anthy chuckled. "Because, Juri-san, we are very much alike in the way we think."  
  
Ice could have formed on Juri's brow. "You are mistaken," she said simply.  
  
"I only wish I were," Anthy continued. She leaned back against the door. For the first time, Juri actually looked at her. Her hair being down wasn't the only thing that was different. The glasses were gone, and she was dressed in a simple summer blouse and pants. Back at Ohtori, Anthy had looked both fourteen and thousands of years old at the same time. Here, in a small Paris apartment, she looked to be a young woman. Twenty, perhaps.  
  
And just like that, Juri wasn't afraid of her anymore. Anthy had become human.  
  
"We were both searching for miracles, you and I. You wanted the woman you loved to love you in return. I wanted someone to save me from my brother's never-ending cycle of betrayal and wonder. When I was offered it, when my Prince went through her own personal hell just to save me... I stabbed her in the back." Anthy's voice had dropped to a near-whisper, and Juri felt herself shudder.  
  
"We've left Ohtori, but I can never forgive myself for it. I love Utena. I love her more than anyone I have ever loved in my long, long life, Juri-san. Even more than my brother. And yet we've never even kissed. Because I know if we do, I won't be able to stop myself from drawing my arms around to her back... and searching for the scar. And I know that if I touched it, if I even showed her that I know it existed, then Utena would be horrified. And she'd walk out, and never go back."  
  
She sank to the floor, and curled her hands around her legs. "And I'd go back to him," she hissed.  
  
Juri thought Anthy was finished, but she went on. "Because I lied, earlier. I don't love Utena. I can't. Because I've never been able to trust her, except for that one time. One desperate hand, reaching out for mine, out of her coffin. And I trusted her. And I took it. I think that was love. But I can't be sure. Because I can't do it again. And she knows it. And that's why we fight, and things are slowly falling apart."  
  
Suddenly Juri found she had the strength to stand up. She did so, and walked over to Anthy. "Would you kindly shut the hell up?!"  
  
Anthy looked up at Juri... and smiled thinly. "Now you know what the inside of your head sounds like all the time," she said.  
  
Juri wanted to hit her so badly.  
  
"We refuse to allow ourselves to love, Juri-san, because we believe that the world is a cruel, callous place. Where opening up your heart only leads to hurt. Where people who believe in miracles, who believe that everyone has good inside them, are mad fools. But we're the fools, Juri. I walk through Paris, and I see people meet and fall instantly in love. I see sequences of events that look utterly silly, but end up with a shy smile and a hesitant laugh. The world works for people like Utena and Shiori. For people like us... it chooses to abandon us. We won't let ourselves be part of it."  
  
Now Juri wanted to hit herself. Because Anthy was right. She sounded exactly like Juri. Juri, who could not accept that after so long feeling pain and hurt, she had found happiness. Just like Anthy. Juri, who was afraid of any real physical affection for fear that it would only lead to disgust and hatred. Just like Anthy. Juri, who would rather run away and sit in a cafe, moaning in her head about how much she hated herself. Just as Anthy was doing now.  
  
Well the hell with that. She wasn't Anthy. Not anymore. She had her miracle, and she was going to go get it.  
  
She moved away, and took her bag from the dresser where Anthy had left it. "I'm going back. Please tell Utena I thank her for her hospitality."  
  
Anthy started for a moment, then her face grew serene again. "Of course."  
  
Juri moved, not to the door, but the window. "Maybe you're right. Maybe this world does work for people like Shiori and Utena. Their miracles, the ones they believe in. In which case, I have to go make the miracle come true."  
  
Anthy smiled. "Good luck, Juri-san."  
  
Juri nodded. "And you. You're lucky you have someone like Utena here. Someone for whom the world moves mountains."  
  
"I know," she said.  
  
Juri moved to the door, and opened it. "Because she'll have been here the entire time, listening to everything you said."  
  
Utena stood there at the door, a can of tea in her hand. She was staring at Anthy, stunned, tears trailing down her cheeks. Anthy stood up quickly, her hands coming up to her mouth so hard they drew blood. She then spun, headed for the window, but Utena was too quick. She grabbed her hand, and brought it to her chest.  
  
And now Anthy was crying, and Juri knew what she was feeling. She knew because she'd felt it before. Felt it when she told Shiori that she was the picture in the locket, back at graduation. It was like plummeting off a cliff. That feeling that everything held back was now gone. All the barriers. Shiori had accepted it. Hadn't been offended, or sickened. She was hurt Juri hadn't told her. That was all.  
  
And Juri could see Utena was like that. Because she stood there for quite some time, letting Anthy feel the scar that she had made. And after that, she took the hand, and brought it up to her face. And they kissed.  
  
Juri walked out of the house quickly, pulling the door closed behind me. She wanted what they had. She needed that from Shiori. She didn't know if Shiori was willing to do that twice. To forgive her everything again. But she was going to try.  
  
No more hiding.  
  
  
END  
  
Author's notes: The final part of this semi-connected series of fics should be out... sometime.  
  
--SG   
--November 24, 2002 


End file.
